Living With Fear

So, I feel kind of frivolous about my post yesterday, talking about clothes and shopping after what happened on Boston.  My heart really goes out to the affect families.  Somehow, it feels wrong to celebrate my own accomplishments and plan shopping sprees amidst such a tragedy. 

I really hate stuff like this.  I have not been able to really sit and watch 24-hour disaster news-tv since 9/11.  On 9/11, I lived in Phoenix.  I happened to be awake before 6am MST, which was 3 hours ahead of the east coast at that time.  I was not scheduled to work until noon, but I was up for no reason.  I turned ont he TV and saw that a plane hit the World Trade Center. 

My sister, with whom I was living at the time, came out of her room to berate me for watching tv at 6am.  I told her a plane hit the World Trade Center.  She asked me, “Do you think it’s a terrorist attack?”

As she finished her sentence, the words still echoing in the air, we both watched together as the second plane hit the other tower and left us with no doubt that we were under attack.

After that, I had to watch the news 24/7.  I did this for probably two years.  I felt like I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Eventually, I was able to let go of my fear and start enjoying life again, but I had to let go of watching every minute of every disaster. 

When the children at Sandy Hook were killed, I was working from home.  I still watch cable news off and on, but because I was working the TV was always muted.  Unfortunately, I broke my 24/7 disaster news fast and watched everything that unfolded.  I have a young 5-year-old niece.  All I could think about was her.  It was her face I saw in each of those children, and I was infuriated. 

I did not, however, watch the 24/7 news of the Boston attack.  I did watch a bit to get all of the details, but I could not watch the same people talk for hours repeating themeselves endlessly while replaying the explosions over and over again.  I could not do it.

Like most people, I feel the pain of these events very deeply.  If I allow myself, I get very emotional and scared.  I have lived most of my life in fear.  Fear of what people think.  Fear of my own feelings.  Fear of being ridiculed.  Fear of going out amongst people.  Fear of not being able to walk.  Fear of other people judging me because of my poor health and weight.  Fear of dying from my obesity. 

After the surgery and my attempts to change my life, I find that I am not afraid of every single thing.  I am doing more.  I am writing more.  I socialize.  I walk.  I exercise.  I meditate.  I cannot and will not go back to a life of fear and resignation.

I pray for the city of Boston and the victims of this tragedy.  I hope the authorities find who is responsible and hold him/her/them accountable.  I have great hope for the city of Boston and this country as a whole.  I know we will recover and be stronger, while honoring the names of all who were lost in this senseless attack.

So, to those who perpetrated this horrible crime, you failed.  You did kill at least three of our citizens.  You injured many, many more.  But you have not resigned us to live in a state of panic and fear. 

That said, today I am celebrating that I am down to 200 pounds.  That is a total of 98 lost.  Two pounds from reaching the momentous 100 pound mark and one pound from dropping below 200 for the first time in over 15 years.  My journey continues.  You did not stop me nor will you stop city of Boston.

2 responses to “Living With Fear

  1. Well said! Now if I can only take courage from you and get over my fears (home made and internal…lol). I am with you, can’t over-watch the news. I think we focus too much on every horrifying thing that happens and not enough on the good things that are happening alongside them.

  2. I KNOW exactly what you mean. I just posted, and felt like i should have said something about what happened yesterday, but decided that i (and everyone else) need a little normalcy in things like this. There are a thousand blogs that are going to be talking about, and all over all of my social media. Congrats on getting under 200 lbs. That feels like a life long dream!

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