Fighting Back My Own Demons

I know that I have a lot to celebrate and be thankful for since my WLS surgery.  I have lost 108 pounds.  I have come down in size from a 30/32 to a 14/16.  I can walk.  I can breathe.  I can walk and breathe at the same time.  I have many new cute outfits.  I can fit into old cute outfits that I have not worn in years.  I have a lot to be grateful for.

And yet…

I still find that it is a daily struggle to fight back the demons that took me to that awful place where I weighed over 300 pounds and felt that my life was not worth living.  I still have to struggle against the same self-doubt and fear; the same desire to fill that void inside of me with all the wrong things; the paralyzing thought that I have wasted too much of my life; the fear that I have already done too much damage to my body and that no matter what I do now, it cannot be repaired; the fear that no matter what or how much I change, I will always be unloveable; that I will always be alone; that I will never progress any further in life than where I am now; that the evil voice inside my head and the people in my life who reinforce that voice are right, that I am nothing and not worth the effort.

The intellectual side of my brain knows that none of this is true, but some days it is harder to believe than others.  I know tomorrow I will feel differently, but today the struggle continues.

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10 responses to “Fighting Back My Own Demons

  1. I struggle with these same demons as I try to get back on my own weight-loss journey. I have “only” 64 pounds to lose (to make a total of 90), but I wonder whether or not it’s worth the effort. Whether or not I am worth the effort. You are not alone. You are an inspiration to many of us. You are on the right track. Take care of the emotional side of you, too. (((hugs)))

  2. Thanks Lisa! I’m feeling better than I was earlier. Writing it down seems to help some. I have 65 pounds to go. We should work on this together!!! 🙂

  3. I think we all battle these demons. Our inner voice always has something to say and learning to tune it out is a life long battle. Thank you for writing this today – you sure helped me. I’ve been dealing with a few of my own self-destructive thoughts lately.

  4. You are never alone, no matter what you think. God is always with you and only the devil can make you think the bad thoughts. Trust me. I’ve not had the weight loss, I’m still overweight, but I feel the same things everyday. All I know is that God is with me and he will help me when I get the nerve to ask him. Always remember “ask and you shal receive.” but not on your terms, but God’s terms. I love you cuz. Keep up the GREAT work.

  5. you are doing great! if you managed to loose 108 lbs., get your cholesterol under control, not need high blood pressure meds any more, get a better job, have a boat load of friends that love you, walk over a mile, and breathe, what can’t you do?
    some people can’t even walk and chew gum at the same time.

  6. Then something to focus on when you start feeling down. Step. Chew. Step. Chew. If you want to get crazy you can vary it: Step, Step, Chew. Chew, Chew, Step. But now I’m just getting ahead of myself now!

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