I know that I have a lot to celebrate and be thankful for since my WLS surgery. I have lost 108 pounds. I have come down in size from a 30/32 to a 14/16. I can walk. I can breathe. I can walk and breathe at the same time. I have many new cute outfits. I can fit into old cute outfits that I have not worn in years. I have a lot to be grateful for.
I still find that it is a daily struggle to fight back the demons that took me to that awful place where I weighed over 300 pounds and felt that my life was not worth living. I still have to struggle against the same self-doubt and fear; the same desire to fill that void inside of me with all the wrong things; the paralyzing thought that I have wasted too much of my life; the fear that I have already done too much damage to my body and that no matter what I do now, it cannot be repaired; the fear that no matter what or how much I change, I will always be unloveable; that I will always be alone; that I will never progress any further in life than where I am now; that the evil voice inside my head and the people in my life who reinforce that voice are right, that I am nothing and not worth the effort.
The intellectual side of my brain knows that none of this is true, but some days it is harder to believe than others. I know tomorrow I will feel differently, but today the struggle continues.