Sometimes, living with change is hard. I have had a great run with the changes that I have made in my life. I am very happy with how I look, how I feel, and the weight that I have lost. Sometimes, though it is really hard to to keep old behaviors at bay.
Recently, I have been fighting the urge to game. Omg I loved World of Warcraft when I was heavy into the gaming scene. I have been thinking about WoW a lot recently. I loved the Wrath of the Lich King expansion. That’s when I played the most and was at the top of my game, so to speak. I did every raid, every pvp (player vs. player) battleground. I was the second ranked alliance restoration shaman (healer) on my realm. My guild was the second alliance guild to down the Lich King (end game raid boss). I had several twinks (low-level, overly geared characters made just for pvp). I was on the game day and night, sick or well. I was obsessed.
My obsessive problems were not limited to gaming either. I think my gaming addiction was simply one of my addictions. Obviously, my other addiction was food.
The gastric by-pass certainly helped me control my food addiction. And managing one addiction helped me let go of another.
I am worried though. When I start thinking about gaming, I wonder if I am starting to fall back on my old ways.
One of my gamer friends from the WoW days now plays Guild Wars 2. I did go out and buy the game back in January. I created a character and played a bit. Sometimes, when this friend contacts me, I would log on and run through the game with him a bit. But playing GW2 made me realize that I really have no desire to game. Thus, I think my character is still level 5 and probably still standing in the middle of the field where I left her.
Last night he sent me messages on Skype trying to get me to log on. I was tempted. I miss my gamer friends. We had fun together running around killing imaginary crap or instigating world pvp battles. The problem is, this particular friend just does not get what it is I have been through trying to manage all of my addictions. I haven’t really take the time to explain it to him, but he does have access to my blog and could read it, but doesn’t. Not that I don’t think he would understand, I think that he would. I am just afraid that I would fall back into the same trap and end up right back where I was.
I think that is one of my biggest fears since the surgery, backsliding. I have worked so hard to get where I am and I still have a little way to go before I reach my goal weight. I am so happy with the changes that I have made. I feel good. I look better than I have in years. But I’m terrified of ending up right back where I was.
It is possible to regain all of the weight lost even after a gastric by-pass surgery as extreme as mine. I would hate to go through all of this pain, expense, suffering, and sacrifice just to regain the weight and be just as sick as before. I think that is why I just cannot bring myself to jump back into the gaming world. I am afraid that if I start gaming again, the whole new life I have built for myself will collapse.
Maybe one day, I will be able to play video games and have them be a part of the healthy new lifestyle I have created for myself, but not yet. The pain of the past is still too close and the fear of failure to too near.