I started the weekend off great. I hit the gym early on Saturday. Well, early as in noonish. I walked the 1.7 miles to the gym and worked out for an hour and a half. I then I walked to my friend’s art studio, which is ten minutes from the gym. Another friend of ours showed up there, and the three of us walked the 1.4 miles back to my neighborhood. We sat outside of Caribou Coffee for hours drinking fruffy coffee drinks and talked. It was great. Then I walked back up the monster hill to my place.
Yesterday started off great too. I woke up and had a light breakfast and met my brother and niece in DC to do the Saturday am museum tour. We walked around for about 2.5 hours. I had my water and a protein snack, 1/3 cup of pistachios, while they ate at McDonald’s.
I went home and packed up some food to take to my sister’s house for a picnic. She called me in a panic at one point asking me to give her instructions for making a particular chicken dish that I’ve made for her in the past. She loves it and wanted to make it for the picnic. I told her to hold off and I would make it when I arrived.
Cooking is easy for me, effortless in fact. It almost seems to come naturally to me. I walked into my sister’s kitchen and just took over. I cleaned and dried the chicken breasts and began chopping them up while I gave my sister orders. Before I knew it, the chicken was in the oven and I was reaching into my bag to begin prepping my next project. I sliced and marinated zucchini while chatting it up with one of my sister’s friends without even thinking about it. I handed the plate to my sister and ordered her to take it down to whichever male family member was manning the grill with specific cooking instructions.
I continued talking to a couple of people and reached into my bag and pulled out a couple of avocados and some spicy salsa. As I cut the avocados in half, her friend said, “Now what are you making??”
“Guacamole,” I replied as I continued to cook without stopping. I mixed the salsa and avocado together with a touch of olive oil and ordered someone take it down to the chip table. Then I reached in my bag again and pulled out a can of Trader Joe’s Chili, grabbed a pot and began heating it up. “For chili dogs,” I announced before another question could be asked.
That’s where my good behavior ended.
You know what else I can do effortlessly without even thinking about it? Eat.
I chowed down as if I hadn’t eaten in months. I ate a handful of corn chips with my yummy guacamole. I ate random vegetables, potato salad, coleslaw, a little bit of the chicken dish, random other foods I cannot even remember. Then I topped it off with a bunless hotdog with chili, relish, ketchup, and mustard. Oh and let’s not for get the handfuls of M&Ms I tried hiding in my pockets thinking no one could see me eat them if I put them there.
Obviously, I cannot be trusted at a food party. I seriously thought I was going to throw up. Granted, I didn’t eat it all at once, but I did go back to the food table over and over throughout the day.
After I got home last night, I took a walk through my neighborhood trying to walk some of the binge off. I stopped at Caribou and drank some decaf tea hoping to push some of that food through my system with a warm drink.
Obviously, going to the gym is on the agenda today, as well as feeling horribly guilty about what I did to myself yesterday. Yeah, I know there is no reason to really feel guilty. Everyone falls off of the wagon sometimes. What I should concentrate on is how I recover from this episode and move on. I don’t know why I’m continually surprised every time I fall, but I am. I am also very disappointed in myself.
I clearly need to watch my behavior more closely. I had a somewhat prophetic conversation with my friend Sush on Saturday. We were talking about yoga. I kind of don’t like the yoga classes at the gym because of all of the movement. The last time I took yoga classes, we concentrated on sitting in the positions and gently stretching, connecting mind and body. The classes at the gym are more like yoga-exercise than a meditative stretching practice.
Sush agrees with my dislike for those kinds of yoga classes. She grew up in India and they took yoga classes in school first thing in the morning. What a fantastic way to start the day.
We talked a bit about “triangle pose” and she was talking about the importance of looking at your hands. She said that yoga poses concentrate on looking at your hands because you mind should always know what your hands are doing.
I never thought of that before. That made me think back to the endless number of times in my life where I just ate and ate without thinking. The number of times I bought a giant bag of chips and ate through the whole thing and barely had any memory of how I ate that much. If my mind had really been aware of what my hands, (and mouth quite frankly), were doing, would I have mindlessly eaten the whole bag? Would I have slowed down?
I don’t know. Maybe not. All I know is that my mind was not paying attention to my hands yesterday. Not while I was cooking, and especially not while I was eating.
I did manage to track all of the food. I went home and made myself remember everything that I ate and logged it in “My Fitness Pal.” Even with all of the eating I did, I still managed to stay below my allotted calories for the day. Not that I feel any better about what I did, but I guess that’s something.
Moving forward I am going to have to make sure that I stop and think before I eat. Pay attention to what my hands are doing and be more mindful of what not just what I eat, but how I eat. Maybe, eventually, I will be able to understand why.