So, I have been called out for not blogging all summer, from Europe no less. A friend and writer colleague of mine has been working in Europe for over a year now. She has been a huge, huge supporter of my weight loss, blogging, writing, pretty much anything I do. Well, she reached out to a mutual friend of ours and was like, WTF why hasn’t Colleen been blogging? I was promised a blog post every day in June, and she hasn’t blogged at all! Where is she?
I know. I suck.
I have had a pretty rough time of it recently. It’s all been self-induced emotional craziness, but it has still be hard to deal with. Some of it I cannot write about here. I will probably be able to eventually, but for now, I cannot. It’s nothing health related, just a situation that I need to correct, and until I do, I have to keep radio silence on it. Once I have reached a point where it has been dealt with, I will share more. But the situation has really been a blow to my psyche.
So, onto things I can and will talk about on this site…
I wasn’t going to talk about much of this at all, but I shared some of what has been going on with a friend of mine and he told me I have to write about it. It’s the real stuff and that’s what people need to hear. He’s right, I know, but I have been dreading facing it.
Self-induced Emotional Craziness
I have had some pretty bad ups and downs. I still haven’t lost any new weight. In fact, earlier this summer, I had gained eight pounds. Now one of my fears is regaining all of the weight I have lost and undoing all of the positive changes I have made. I tried and tried to re-lose that weight, but nothing was working. I cracked. I took a hair dryer to my scale and pulverized it. Now the scale is broken. Yes, dear readers, I took the “If the scale isn’t telling you what you want to hear, blame the scale and destroy it” tactic to weight loss.
Breaking the scale was kind of freeing. After a solid year and a half of weighing myself constantly and tracking my weight on this website, I have spent two blissful months not knowing what I weigh. I felt better temporarily, but it really hasn’t been much of a diet plan.
But not knowing what I weigh has also been torture. I’ve been trying to track my progress by my clothes. I’m still wearing the same size, so I know I haven’t gained any or much weight. But I also know I’m not losing anymore. And that’s just killing me. I really do want to complete my weight loss journey and get down to at least the 130s.
I also have not been exercising, which is not good. I have been walking. A lot. I’ve been trying to keep it up to about 4 miles a day, and most days, I’ve been pretty successful for the most part. But what I really need to do is get my butt back to the gym.
Another thing I have been dealing with, and this is probably the most important, is compulsive eating. That was one of my biggest problems before the surgery and why I had gained so much weight. I can eat more than I could immediately after the surgery. Still not a lot of food, but definitely more. My emotional stress levels have been spiking up and down and with that, I have been fighting against the compulsive eating urge. Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes not. And I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up emotionally about it.
It also hasn’t helped that there are people in my life who are ultra-judgmental about weight loss and diet. They view any setback as a personal character flaw and not just part of the journey. I haven’t wanted even talk about this because I haven’t wanted to deal with their reactions to some of the struggles I have been going through. Instead of support and encouragement I get anger, criticism, judgment, and insults. I just hate that.
So, what have I been doing about all of this?
At first, I did nothing. Because, you know, that’s the best option, right? But this last few weeks, I have really been trying to take some positive steps. No, I haven’t bought a scale yet. Before I buy a scale again, I wanted to get myself back on track with my diet and dealing with some of the stress in my life.
I talked to a friend of mine at work about dealing with stress in general. She told me about a stress dealing technique that she uses, which includes identifying what you’re going through, whether it’s anger, or stress, the urge to compulsively eat, and talking yourself through the emotion until it passes. I cannot remember what she called it. If I do, I will post it here. I do have to say, it has helped a lot.
I also did the 5 day pouch reset to take control of my eating and diet again. And it worked. I also took another step. I have been thinking about becoming a vegetarian. I don’t think I’m ready to go there just yet, but I have really cut back the amount of meat I eat. One, red meat is a huge problem for me still. I feel nauseated after eating it and have a lot of problems with it after it is in my system. And I love chicken, but recently, I haven’t really felt like eating it much. I’m trying to get my protein more from beans, cheese, yogurt, eggs, and nuts. I may never be a full vegetarian, but I would like to have a mostly vegetarian diet and maybe eat meat only sometimes. I like chicken wings too much to ever walk away entirely, I think.
I have also been trying to make sure I get as much fresh veggies and fruit in me as possible. I have been buying them at farmers markets around the area this summer and eating a lot of cucumbers, blueberries, zucchini, cauliflower, etc. And I’m really looking forward to apple season. I love apples and will eat them every day. I’ve already told my sister-in-law I want to go apple picking with them.
Another thing I have done to deal with eating issues and get myself back on track is I joined an online bariatric support group on Facebook. They talk about everything! I have been reading posts from other people who are just starting their journey, answering questions on what they are going through. Many of the people who comment are so excited because they are just getting ready for the surgery or just had it. Their excitement is so infectious. That has really helped me get back in touch with how excited I was when I started my weight loss journey. I haven’t really shared much about myself on that site yet, but I have really enjoyed talking to other people about what they are going through.
Anyway, that’s what has been going on with me. I promise I will blog more often. I’m not sure I’ll promise every day just yet, but I will talk more about what I’m going through, if/when I buy a scale, and how the weight loss is going.
Happy Labor Day!