Tag Archives: goals

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes, I forget what it was like to be 300 pounds. More correctly, sometimes I forget that I am no longer 300 pounds.

I have been kind of down because my weight loss has stalled. I have been struggling with feeling down, feeling angry, and feeling fat all of the time. I have tried different techniques to try to kick-start the weight loss again to no avail. I have been feeling fat and bloated and I have been pretty hard on myself as a result.

Then I have moments like I did last night.

I was going out to my weekly writer’s group. I got into my car prepared to be squeezed in between the seat and the steering wheel. Admittedly, I do not drive often. I take a bus and/or metro to work every day. I usually only drive on weekends to visit family and friends or go grocery shopping, still you would think I know how well or not that I fit into my car.

Last night when I got in, there seemed to be a million miles between me and the steering wheel. I wish I had taken a picture. I was like, “OMG look at all of this S-P-A-C-E!”

Before the 127 pound weight loss, I had a hard time with space in the car. I have very short legs and have to have the seat moved up pretty close so that I can reach the peddles. My short legs are also why I cannot really drive a stick because my legs cannot reach the clutch. I was always squeezed in pretty tight with the steering wheel pressing up against my stomach.

Now when I sit in the car, I feel like I am sitting far back. The seat is in the same place. I can reach the peddles with no problem. And the steering wheel is nowhere near my stomach! It’s a small thing, but it felt kind of awesome.

Another thing happened last night that kind of made me a little happy too. When I walked into the restaurant where my writer’s group was meeting, I caught a guy checking me out. I walked in and wasn’t too sure where the group was meeting. I stopped and looked around. I caught the eye of a guy at a nearby table. He looked me up and down and smiled. I almost cracked up. I had to turn away to keep from laughing right at him. I know that’s maybe not the reaction he was looking for, but it just struck me as funny in the moment. I always want to stop and say, “Man, if you had seen me two years ago, you would not be looking at me like that right now!”

Still, it was a nice little ego boost on a day when I was not feeling so good about myself.

So I guess my point is that although you might sometimes be feeling down about where you are in your weight loss journey, it’s good to stop and take stock of all of the progress that has been made. I might not be where I want to be yet, but I no longer weigh 300 pounds and my life has changed pretty drastically for the better.

Sept 2012 Before Surgery

Sept 2012 Before Surgery

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I Have Always Wanted To Do That

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I have had a rough winter, physically, emotionally, food-wise. I have just been making myself crazy. Like most people in the US, I will be so happy to put this winter behind me.

With spring making an appearance in the DC area today, I feel inspired. I got up early this am and went to a Women’s Day luncheon for Empowered Women International. My good friend Sush took part in their program and now has her own art studio.

When I woke up this am, I was not feeling well. I had a bit of constipation, which is quite painful. I had to pick up my friend at 10am, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to make it. I forced myself to deal with it and just go.  I am so glad that I did. I had a great time. I also came away from the event inspired.

I also started thinking about all of the things that I never did because of my weight and all of the health problems that I had. I had trouble walking and breathing. I felt that I could not fully participate in events because of that. Or I was depressed because of my weight and health problems, so I did not even try.

One of my biggest fears, now that I have lost 127 pounds and can do so much more, is going backwards. I do not ever want to find myself in that place again. So, when I got up this am not feeling well, it was tempting to just say home under the covers and whine about not feeling well. I probably would have too if Sush had not called me.

I dragged myself off the couch, took a shower, put on a pretty dress, styled my hair, and left the house. As Sush would say, “The New Colleen goes out!” I did. And I’m glad for it.

So, I decided I would make some goals for myself this spring. There are all kinds of things that I never did that I really want to do. Here are 5 things I have never done that I am going to make myself do this spring.

So, we’ll see how much I get done. I have to do the Tidal Basin walk and Cherry Blossom parade at particular times, obviously, but the rest I will give myself until the first day of summer to complete.

I want to kick off the warm weather season right. I need to dust off the funk from this winter. I think getting out and doing stuff I have never done before I a great way to jump into spring!

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Struggling & Finding A New Direction

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I have to admit it, I have been struggling since the turn of the New Year.  I got sick on January 2 on my way to work.  Unpleasant, to say the least.  I’ve hit a very long plateau in my weight loss which has me thinking that I may never lose another pound.  That thought terrifies me as I am very afraid that I will start gaining again.  I want to lose another 46 pounds, but if I don’t I’m sort of OK with that.  I’m not OK with the thought of gaining any weight at all.  I also have been struggling with the number of hours I have been working.  That has really taken a toll on my over all mental well-being, mostly because I have no time for anything else and I’m exhausted all of the time.

Mostly though, I have been surprised by the number of emotional battles I have been fighting as well.  That has kind of caught me off guard because I have really been riding an emotional high for a very long time.  I think some of it has to do with the fact that my weight loss has slowed, and I fear regaining the weight.  Some of it I think has been dealing with people who just refuse to see all the work I have done and how I have changed.  To them, I will always be the out of control overeating fat girl who needs to be constantly reminded that her efforts aren’t good enough and never will be.

One of the reasons I have always hated losing weight is the public consumption of my weight loss.  I know…oh the irony of a blogger making THAT complaint.  But it’s true.  Any time I have dieted in the past, everyone always commented on my weight loss, or lack thereof, the food I ate, and whether or not I gained weight when the diet eventually failed. Making a change like that is a very personal, and often, painful journey, yet the whole of society feels free to comment and pass judgment on it.  I think that’s part of the reason I decided to blog my weight loss since the surgery.  If the whole world, (at least my world), was going to watch me lose weight, I was going to at least control the dialogue…this time.

But really, I think a large part of my emotional struggle has been trying come to terms with my own identity.  I don’t know if I’m really done losing weight.  I hope I’m not.  I do want to lose the last little bit I have left.  Still, whether I’m done losing now, or some time in the not too distant future, the end of my weight loss journey is in sight.

For many years I was simply the fat girl.  Then for the past year and a half, I have been the girl who is changing her life by losing an incredible amount of weight.  I now know a lot of people who knew me when I was fat and are now getting used to the new me.  And I’ve met a lot of people who never knew me as the fat girl, who just know me now and do not understand where I have been.

I guess I have really been struggling with who I am now that I’ve lost the weight (or most of it, at least).  Who am I if I’m not the girl who is losing weight?  I guess I’m the one who lost a lot of weight, but that title can only last for so long.

The truth is, however, none of that really matters.  What the world thinks of me is really none of my concern.  What I need to do is decide for myself who I am and where my journey goes from here.  I can choose to have a future where my excess weight no longer defines who I am.  It’s an idea that is as freeing as it is terrifying.  But this is the world that I have chosen to create for myself. Now I just need to find a way to live in it.

So, I made some decisions about this.  I went to a couple of my writer’s group this week and in both of them, we had to set writing goals for the new year. Also, my birthday was yesterday, and it coincided with the Chinese Lunar New Year, which I think is a great time to refocus and start something new.  This is now the year of the horse, and I was born in the year of the horse.  I do not put much stock in astrology, but I do feel that it could be a sign this will be a good year.

In my second, much smaller writer’s group, I said I would start writing on this blog more (again) and maybe change the focus a little.  I want to talk more about my over all health as opposed to just weight loss.  If I really am reaching the end of my weight loss journey, I need to do that.

I’m not sure where this New Year will take me, or what direction my life will go. I’m not really sure what this blog will become.  If the weight loss does start up again, I will definitely update that, but it won’t be my main focus.  I do want to write more about food, body image, health, and weight loss in general.  I am hopeful that I can come to terms with who I am now and where I go from here.  I hope you’ll join me on the next step in my journey.

Getting Back On Schedule

The last three weeks have really been a killer.  I have been working ten-hour days most days.    Plus, I’ve had to go to Pittsburgh to help out my mom.  The good news is her cast is off.  The bad news is she still cannot do everything she was able to do before she broke her arm.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s doing great, but she has a long way to go before her arm is completely healed.

I like my job, and certainly I feel that all of the hard work has been worth it.  And I love going to Pittsburgh to help out my mom, but all of this has thrown me completely off schedule.  Here is what all of this stress, work, and traveling has done to me:

  • I have not been to the gym in weeks.
  • Keeping my eating on schedule has been difficult.
  • When I am home and have a minute to myself, all I want to do is sleep.
  • My weight loss has plateaued again.

I’ve been trying not to get depressed about all of this, but that has been difficult.

Now I am facing a three day weekend.  The unofficial end of summer/beginning of fall.  Autumn is my favorite season.  I am really looking forward to the cooler weather, and changing leaves.  I just love it.  I’m also looking forward to wearing scarves, sweaters, cool new jackets that I bought.  My mom also gave me a couple of jackets.  I am so ready for the fall.

I was really hoping to have lost a few more pound before fall began, though.  These last 50 pounds are going much more slowly than the first 123 pound weight loss.  That’s difficult to deal with.  So, I need to get myself back on schedule.  Just dealing with the food side of things doesn’t seem to be enough any more.

So, today I am heading back to the gym.  I’m going to walk to the gym and see what classes are happening.  Maybe yoga, maybe Bodyflow.  Or maybe I’ll hit the weight machines.

I know things will not slow down at work just yet.  I may have a few more weeks of busy days.  And I still have to go to Pittsburgh to help out my mom, but I have to refocus on my health and weight loss.  That has to be the priority in my life.  Blogging might be spotty over the next few weeks, but I promise to check in as often as I can.

I am including a current picture of myself.  I feel like it’s been a while, so here you are.

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Have a great Labor Day Weekend, everyone!

Have You Lost Your Mojo? – Question #3

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Today’s question comes from my friend Vicki,  She asks:

How do you get your mojo/motivation back after you’ve lost it?

That is a great question but I’m not really sure if I have a really great answer, but I will do the best I can.

For a long time, I had lost my motivation for a lot of things, not the least of which was weight loss and my overall health.  Some of it was depression.  Some of it was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.  Some of it was an unwillingness to face how horrible things in my life had become.  I wanted my life to be better, I just did not know how to make it better, more importantly, I had stopped trying.

So, what changed for me?  Well, a couple of things, actually.

The first and most important thing that happened was the birth of my niece.  I fell in love with that little girl the very second I saw her.  She is just so precious.  I know I have written about her before, but I just cannot say enough about how her presence in our family has changed my life.  Seeing her, spending time with her, making her smile became my reason to live.  In order to live and keep up with her, I knew I would have to change.

Another thing that happened was my youngest sister’s wedding.  I went to her wedding and I looked just terrible and my health was a mess.  Here is a picture, which I had posted previously.  I could not truly celebrate with her the way I wanted to and I really was disappointed in myself and I could tell she was too.  That hurt.

The last thing that happened that I can think of was my other sister kind of had a mini intervention with me.  She had a friend at work who had lost a lot of weight.  She asked her how she did it and the girl told her she had the lap band surgery.  So, my sister started a campaign to get me to consider having either the lap band or some other bariatric surgery to lose weight.  After several long conversations with her, I started looking into my options and finally made the decision to have a gastric by-pass.

In the end, I found a reason to change, an example of what I was missing in life (and really, I had thousands of examples), and a plan to make that change happen.  Furthermore, my sister offered me a great support system for the whole surgical process.  So I guess these four items really helped me make the necessary changes.

So here is what I suggest for rediscovering your mojo:

  1. Find your inspiration by falling in love with something in your life.  I’m not talking about finding romance.  I mean, falling in love with some aspect of your own life.  This doesn’t have to be a person, although it might be.  It could even be yourself.
  2. Make a list of things you are missing out on by not changing your life.  Conversely, this could also be a list of things you would gain after you’ve made the changes you need.
  3. Develop a concrete plan to achieve your goals.
  4. Create a support network of some kind to help you stay focused and help you along the way.  To these four, I would also add…
  5. Revisit your plan often to make sure you are staying on track and make the necessary changes to help you keep focused.

I think this is a good plan for achieving just about any goal in your life, not just losing weight.  It’s hard to pull yourself out of the dark places in your mind to make changes happen and it’s easy to fall backwards over and over again.  When something is hard or daunting to face, we fall back on our worst avoidance behaviors.  I do it all of the time and I’m forever dragging myself back out of the doldrums to refocus.

Even with a gastric by-pass, it’s not easy.  The surgery was a tool, not the solution.  I still have all of the problems with food I had before the surgery and I’m still fighting every day against my worst demons.  The solution is changing that part of you is afraid to make the change.  It’s a constant battle and the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I had to do it.  For me, not changing was an early death.  I chose life.

Good luck, Vicki!

Momentous Occasion

To say my weight loss has slowed down to a crawl would be a huge understatement.  I have been bummed because I gained three pounds while in Texas and it has taken forever for me to lose anything at all.  I have hit plateaus in my weight loss before, but this one seems to be the only plateau that has brought me down.  Mainly because this plateau has lasted almost a month.

That aside, I have good news today!

I lost the three pounds that I gained while in Texas.  Furthermore, I have lost two additional pounds on top of that.  I am down to 188.  This brings my total weight lost to 110 pounds!

Whatever else is going on in my life, this is good news!

I celebrated this week by getting a mani-pedi and a hair cut.  I took a day off of work.  I had lunch with a friend who I have not seen in what feels like forever.  I met another friend for coffee and reviewed a portion of a book he’s writing.  I just had a pretty good week and losing a total of 110 pounds is a great way to cap it off.

This weekend promises to be fun as well.  I am having some friends over for breakfast on Sunday.  Tomorrow I am supposed to be doing a “girls night” with my sister and my sister-in-law and possibly my niece.  Originally, the niece was not included, but she heard us talking about it and started crying because she wants to go to girls night too.  For girls night, we plan on getting all dressed up in our nicest clothes and go out somewhere.  I have a pretty dress for which I have no purpose other than I wanted it.  And the “buy the cocktail dress…the party will come” theory is not working, so I need to make my own plans.  I want to wear it somewhere before I shrink out of it.  The dress is a size 16.  I am already wearing a 14 in jeans, but still a 16 in shirts and dresses.  So, I have the dress, the shoes, the mani-pedi, and haircut…time to party!

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We thought about doing high tea, which is generally at 4pm.  It could be fun if we find a place that has hats and gloves that we can use.  I went to a place like that once for tea and it was fun.  The five-year old would really enjoy something like that I think.  Most likely, we will just do dinner.  It’s hard to find a tea house that does gluten-free, egg and milk free sandwiches and treats.

It will probably be a pretty tame girls night out.  None of us are huge drinkers.  I cannot drink at all and my sister-in-law never really did drink.  My sister is pretty light-weight and it only takes her one or two glasses of wine to knock her on her butt.  Plus, we might have the kid with us.  We all adore my niece and relish having her around, so I don’t see her presence as a barrier to fun, but Mommy may want a night off.

We’ll see how it goes.  But in either case, I am glad that I am where I am with my weight loss.  I am hoping to kick up the weight loss for the summer by joining a gym.  I have not yet, but I hope to this weekend. I need to really start focusing on toning and strengthening.  I have been walking a lot, which is good.  But it’s time to kick it up a level.

Have a great weekend!

There Really Is An App For That! A Cool Diet App

I have been using this App on my iPhone called My Fitness Pal.  I typed in my current weight, my height, and my goal weight and it tells me how many calories I need each day to achieve that goal.  Not only that, as I lose weight, I can update my current weight and the app will adjust my expected caloric intake appropriately.

You can enter any profile information you want; your measurements, your height, weight, goal, gender, date of birth, and activity level.  Then each day, you enter the food you eat and any exercise you do. 

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I think this is a great app.  Not only does it track your calories, it gives you a nutrition breakdown as well.  You can see how much fat you are getting each day, protein, vitamins, minerals, cholesterol, sodium, and potassium.  It’s pretty cool.  It is also a social networking app.  You can connect with other friends using this app and comment on each other’s progress and offer encouraging support.

I mostly use it to make sure that I am getting at least 1200 calories per day and to track my protein intake.  I’m not so concerned with tracking every gram of fat or every calorie.  I just need to make sure that I am getting enough per the goals set forth by my surgeon.   The doctor wants me to get between 1200-1400 calories per day.  Sometimes, that is difficult to do.  My stomach just cannot handle that much food at one time, so it can be hard for me some days.

For instance today my goal is 1480 (per the app).  I already have taken in 717 calories.  I still have one more protein snack and dinner with 763 calories remaining.  My protein drink is 170 calories.  That will leave 593 calories for dinner.  I doubt I will eat 593 calories at dinner.  I plan to have spinach and chicken.  I did a quick calculation using the app and that will end my day having consumed 1099 calories with 381 calories remaining.  Then the app will yell at me that I am not getting enough calories. 

I’ll be honest though, I have been having some stomach problems today, so if I do manage to eat dinner, I will consider it a good day.  I think my tummy is still in rebellion over the hell I put it through last week.

That aside, if you are trying to lose weight, I definitely suggest this app.  They have it for iPhone, iPad, and Android, so no excuses people!  Get busy…and if you want to connect with me, my user name for this app is morgaine84.