I have to admit it, I have been struggling since the turn of the New Year. I got sick on January 2 on my way to work. Unpleasant, to say the least. I’ve hit a very long plateau in my weight loss which has me thinking that I may never lose another pound. That thought terrifies me as I am very afraid that I will start gaining again. I want to lose another 46 pounds, but if I don’t I’m sort of OK with that. I’m not OK with the thought of gaining any weight at all. I also have been struggling with the number of hours I have been working. That has really taken a toll on my over all mental well-being, mostly because I have no time for anything else and I’m exhausted all of the time.
Mostly though, I have been surprised by the number of emotional battles I have been fighting as well. That has kind of caught me off guard because I have really been riding an emotional high for a very long time. I think some of it has to do with the fact that my weight loss has slowed, and I fear regaining the weight. Some of it I think has been dealing with people who just refuse to see all the work I have done and how I have changed. To them, I will always be the out of control overeating fat girl who needs to be constantly reminded that her efforts aren’t good enough and never will be.
One of the reasons I have always hated losing weight is the public consumption of my weight loss. I know…oh the irony of a blogger making THAT complaint. But it’s true. Any time I have dieted in the past, everyone always commented on my weight loss, or lack thereof, the food I ate, and whether or not I gained weight when the diet eventually failed. Making a change like that is a very personal, and often, painful journey, yet the whole of society feels free to comment and pass judgment on it. I think that’s part of the reason I decided to blog my weight loss since the surgery. If the whole world, (at least my world), was going to watch me lose weight, I was going to at least control the dialogue…this time.
But really, I think a large part of my emotional struggle has been trying come to terms with my own identity. I don’t know if I’m really done losing weight. I hope I’m not. I do want to lose the last little bit I have left. Still, whether I’m done losing now, or some time in the not too distant future, the end of my weight loss journey is in sight.
For many years I was simply the fat girl. Then for the past year and a half, I have been the girl who is changing her life by losing an incredible amount of weight. I now know a lot of people who knew me when I was fat and are now getting used to the new me. And I’ve met a lot of people who never knew me as the fat girl, who just know me now and do not understand where I have been.
I guess I have really been struggling with who I am now that I’ve lost the weight (or most of it, at least). Who am I if I’m not the girl who is losing weight? I guess I’m the one who lost a lot of weight, but that title can only last for so long.
The truth is, however, none of that really matters. What the world thinks of me is really none of my concern. What I need to do is decide for myself who I am and where my journey goes from here. I can choose to have a future where my excess weight no longer defines who I am. It’s an idea that is as freeing as it is terrifying. But this is the world that I have chosen to create for myself. Now I just need to find a way to live in it.
So, I made some decisions about this. I went to a couple of my writer’s group this week and in both of them, we had to set writing goals for the new year. Also, my birthday was yesterday, and it coincided with the Chinese Lunar New Year, which I think is a great time to refocus and start something new. This is now the year of the horse, and I was born in the year of the horse. I do not put much stock in astrology, but I do feel that it could be a sign this will be a good year.
In my second, much smaller writer’s group, I said I would start writing on this blog more (again) and maybe change the focus a little. I want to talk more about my over all health as opposed to just weight loss. If I really am reaching the end of my weight loss journey, I need to do that.
I’m not sure where this New Year will take me, or what direction my life will go. I’m not really sure what this blog will become. If the weight loss does start up again, I will definitely update that, but it won’t be my main focus. I do want to write more about food, body image, health, and weight loss in general. I am hopeful that I can come to terms with who I am now and where I go from here. I hope you’ll join me on the next step in my journey.