Tag Archives: men

Mid-Life Dating 101

In one of my recent posts, I indicated that I may have met a semi-normal man through a dating website.  I was wrong.  I had not met him at that point, and I can tell you now, I never will.

I try to be open-minded, and trust me, I know everyone has problems in their life.  At this point in my life, I’m not expecting perfection from a man.  But seriously, I am not 20 anymore.  I expect a man in my age range, mid 40s, to have some semblance of stability to his life.  I’m not saying he has to be rich, just maybe a job, a stable place to live.  A working car.  A valid driver’s license.  It became clear this week that the cat who wanted to meet me does not meet these basic requirements.

Let me explain.

We were making plans to meet, hopefully this last weekend, when he tells me he cannot come to Arlington to meet me because he received a letter from the DMV.  His license has been suspended and he does not know why, so he cannot drive.  Now he lives about 18 miles from me, so not being able to drive is a problem.

Furthermore, I call bullshit.

I have never known the DMV to be vague.  When they suspend your license, they tell you precisely why they are doing so.  Plus, it’s usually not a surprise to the suspendee that their license was revoked.  It could be something simple like an unpaid traffic ticket.  That’s easy enough to resolve. Pay the ticket.  Pay whatever fine the DMV has imposed.  Done.  It’s not what you want to hear from a potential suitor, but it’s an understandable enough mistake.  Forgiven.  Forgotten.  Let’s move on.

The fact that he’s too ashamed to tell me why it was suspended, leads me to believe the worst case scenario.  My mind goes immediately to a DUI or some drug related bust.

On top of that, he just lied to me.  I have not even met him, and he’s lying to me.  There is no way he does not know why the DMV suspended his license.  I just don’t buy it.  That is a lie and you are busted.

Let me give you men a piece of advice.  Free of charge.  If you’re wooing a woman – and let’s be clear about this, I do expect some wooing – and you’re going to lie to her before you’ve even met, make it something innocuous.  “I cannot meet you this weekend.  Something’s come up at work and I have to go out-of-town for a week.  I’ll call you when I get back.”  Then go and get your shit together and come back to her on some stable footing.

Not that I’m condoning lying.  I am not.  But I understand that everyone’s life has problems and at the beginning of a relationship, you are sending in your best representative.  You want to look good to a potential partner.  Everyone does that.  You don’t exactly lie, but you don’t exactly tell the whole truth either.  You want to get them hooked on you before all of your peccadilloes start leaking out.  I understand that, really I do.  But the half truth, half lie scenario above?  Unacceptable.

darla

I am generally a very nice and understanding person.  But when a guy hands me a line of BS, I have to ask, do I look like a stupid woman?  I put pictures on the website, so you know what I look like.  Did I have “sucker” stamped across my forward and somehow I missed it?  Or did you just assume that I will put up with anything because I’m a mid 40s woman looking for a relationship and therefore desperate?

Allow me to disabuse you of that notion now.  I have been alone for a very long time.  Mostly because of obesity, but partly because even as a fat woman, I had a low tolerance for BS.  I have no fear of being by myself.  I would like to meet someone with whom I could share my life, but I’m not so desperate to do so that I will take on any loser that crosses my path.  Know this, being alone for so long has taught me to enjoy my own company.  My life is pretty good.  If the choice is being alone or sacrificing my own dignity to be with you, I would rather be alone. You need more than a Y chromosome and your mere presence to make it worth my while.  Bring something to the table.  Start with honesty and we can go from there.

I know I sound kind of heartless, or like I belong to the She-Woman’s-Man-Haters-Club.  I am just disgusted and disappointed.  I was kind of hopeful that I might be meeting someone nice and it could be an interesting adventure.  But now it is clear that is not the case.  I am a very loving and caring person.  I just happen to have a low tolerance for nonsense.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do on the dating front for now.  I still think I might check out Match.com.  My sister thinks I should steer away from dating sites.  She thinks that now that I am so active and going out all of the time, that I will meet someone through all of my many activities.   That has not been my experience.  But, we shall see.

I promise to keep you posted.

The Scariest Subject Ever!

Dating! (Ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead).

That’s right, I said it.  Dating.  Let me begin by saying that I haven’t actually gone on any dates yet since losing all of this weight, but I have been thinking about it.

I think it was some Meg Ryan movie where they posited that it is more likely for a woman over 40 to get struck by lightning than to get married.  I don’t know if that’s true, but I’m not talking about marriage.  I’m talking about dating.  Having someone to share a supper and some interesting conversation with now and then.  So, I figured I would at least give it a try.

I signed up on a dating website. While I have a large social circle that includes a great many men, I’m not sure if any of them are actually datable material.  I’m not sure if I find any of them attractive, or if I do, if they can ever see me as anything other than the “before” Colleen.  I know I haven’t actually reached the “after” Colleen phase, but I think I’m close enough to at least entertain the possibility have having a date or two.

So, I chose a website a friend of mine recommended to me when I was heavier.  It’s for larger people, and I figure that since I still have about 46 more pounds to lose before I actually become a skinny girl, I would at least start there.

My profile, with pictures, has been up for a few weeks, and I have had a few interested hits.  I’m not sure I’m interested in any of them.  They all just seem to be, what’s the word I’m looking for here?  Freaks.

Let’s take guy #1 for example.  We’ll call him Bruce…not name he gave me, but really does it matter?

Bruce is looking for a serious commitment of sorts.  He currently lives in my state, but his job is transferring him to another state.  He will be working a few months here, a few months there off and on.  He wants a girl who will agree to a monogamous sexual relationship, no strings attached.  The idea of a monogamous, no strings attached relationship seemed a little odd to me, but I agreed to at least talk to him via email.

After a couple of email exchanges it became clear to me that it’s the girl who must remain monogamous, even when he is in the other state for a few months.  He, on the other hand, would be under no obligation to remain faithful while on assignment 500 miles away. Seriously, dude?  Where do I sign up?  Wait…didn’t I date you in college?

I wished him well and moved on to guy number 2.

Candidate #2, “Joe” seemed kind of safe and boring, but maybe a bit too eager and way too young for me, by about 16 years.  He was getting ready to move here from California and wanted to start dating someone right away.  He immediately gave me his cell phone number and asked me to call him.

I never did.  I have no interest in being a cougar.

Guy #3…we’ll call this “guy” Steve.  It turns out Steve was not really interested in meeting me…or any woman for that matter.  The website I used has a built-in chat feature and after about 5 minutes of “chatting” it became clear to me that Steve was only interested in a little naughty sex chat.

I am a fairly traditional girl when it comes to those things.  Not that I find anything wrong with a little bit of sex talk, but not really anonymously with men I don’t know, which is what I’m politely telling him when he took things way too far…Rick Santorum style.  Blocked!

The rest of the losers that have contacted me do not seem to know how to read.  I specifically put in my profile that I am only interested in men who live in my area.  So of course, I get emails from men in Florida, New York, New England, and Saudi Arabia.  I live in none of those places.

Seriously, I’m starting to get a little scared.  Men seriously cannot be that stupid, can they?  I mean, I know I’m not Christy Brinkley, and I’m not so young any more, so my choices are limited.  But still this can’t really be all that’s left.

I think I’m going to take my profile down off of that site.  Someone suggested that I just try Match.com or something because I don’t need to use that other site any more.  But I just don’t know.  If I do, I’ll do another post with more loser highlights.  In the meantime…back to the drawing board.

To Be the Center of Attention

A while back I wrote a post about being invisible.  I talked about the many different types of social invisibility that I have experienced.  And I also talked about a friend of mine who had the bariatric surgery who talked about how it felt to no longer be invisible after losing her weight.

To me, she seemed sort of unsettled by it.  She was not used to being recognized as a person, let alone receive attention from men.  I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to no longer be invisible.  To have people see me as a person and not some nonentity or worse would be a wonderful change of pace.  To have the opportunity to be seen for who you are and not what you are sounded like a dream.  And to receive attention from men?  There are no words.

Well, ninety pounds later, I find that I am experiencing some of what she was talking about.  I have been receiving a lot of positive attention because of my weight loss.  Granted, part of that attention is due to the fact that I have been very public in the way I have handled my weight loss.  I have been blogging the whole thing even before the surgery.  A lot of the attention I receive from friends and family has to do with this blog and what I am doing.  But some of the attention I know is because of my physical transformation.  I feel very different and I know that I look different.

I know that I am not skinny by any stretch of the imagination.  I have lost 90 pounds, but I still weigh over 200 pounds.  I have 83 pounds to go if I stick to my ridiculously low goal weight of 125.  Nonetheless, I do recognize how different I look to people who knew me pre-surgery.

The amount of attention I have received at this mid-point, particularly attention from men has really surprised me.  Do not misunderstand me.  I have not received any kind of romantic overture or sexual attention from men.  Don’t worry guys, I have not misconstrued any words of kindness or support or your behavior to be anything other than just that, kindness and support.  I just noticed that I have been receiving a lot of attention from you guys recently.  I’m sorry if this topic makes you feel uncomfortable and embarrasses you, but I am a girl after all, so I feel the need to talk about you for a bit.  Just bear with me.

Men are usually the first people to comment on how much thinner I look, how pretty I am or will be when I’m done losing weight.  In some cases, they are my biggest cheerleaders.  They talk to me a lot about my blog and how surprised they are by some of the subjects I write about.

Then there is the whole touching thing.  As a woman who spent most of her adult life obese, physical contact with men has been very limited.  I see the way men act with thinner, pretty women.  There is a lot of casual touching.  There is hugging, a touch on the arm, a pat on the back, etc.  As an obese woman, I never really received much of that kind of casual contact.

Recently, however, I noticed that I have been receiving some of that and it has really surprised me.  On one level, I absolutely love it.  I know that it is nothing more than just a friendly interaction, but it is one that I have lived almost my entire adult life without.  There have been a few exceptions of course, but not enough in my opinion.  On another level, I have to admit it kind of freaks me out.  Because I’m not used to it, I do not always know how to respond properly.  I’m too busy thinking, “OMG he just hugged me!  He’s never done that before.  Why did he hug me?  That was kind of nice.  Nobody ever hugs me out of the blue like that.  I like being hugged.”

I know, I’m a freak and over analyze everything to the nth degree.  I need to get over it, I know that.  I’m just saying that I have noticed how differently men act towards me and that has affected how I see myself.  I feel more confident, and sometimes more attractive.  And I’m a little more comfortable talking to men.  Sometimes.  Maybe thanks to all of this preliminary attention, if I do one day actually receive romantic attention, I won’t pass out cold from the shock of it.

Oh and btw…this is post 100 on this blog!  OMG!