Tag Archives: purging

Fantastic Updates

Well, I don’t know if the updates are really fantastic, but I certainly have two milestones to report.

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In one of my very early posts on this blog, I opined the possibility of constantly replenishing my underwear supply.  I have only had to restock my supply twice so far, in part thanks to the Spanx I wear every day.  I wear a pull-over tank that comes down over my hips, so they hold my panties in place.  Otherwise, I’m sad to report, I would have difficulty keeping them on.

I have purged all of my older pre-surgery panties.  I only have the ones that I bought in January and those are really big for me now too.  I haven’t reached my goal weight, but I have lost 120 pounds so far, so another new set of panties are definitely in order.

I went to the store with my sister last night specifically to get some more undies.  I was pretty stressed out about this because I have no idea what size I am currently wearing and therefore had no idea what size I needed to purchase.  I didn’t want to get any that were way too small, although a little too small would be OK.  But I definitely did not want to get any that were too big.  I already have enough of those.

My sister told me her weight and what size she’s wearing.  I keep my weight very public, but just in case there’s any question, I’m currently still 178.  Then we spent a lot of time inspecting the underwear sizes on the packages. I usually get a package or two of Haines Her Way briefs.  (Is that an overshare?)  I compared the size of the panties to the size pants I wear.  After a lot of discussion, we went with a size 7, which is a large.  I figured that was probably right because I still wear a size 14 in pants.  Extra large is around a size 18, which while I still fit into a 16/18 tops, my bottom is a bit smaller.  To be on the safe side, I got two packages of size 7 and one of size 6.  I figured if the 6 was too small, I could just wait a few months and they will fit.

It turns out, the 7s fit just fine.  It is nice to have underwear that fits properly.  Now it’s time to do another panty-purge and get rid of all of the ones that are way too big.  And this next line is for my baby sister…yes, I am throwing them away, as in into the trash.  Happy now?

The other piece of news I have is that I have a full-length mirror now.  When I was out with my sister yesterday, she walked up to a full-length mirror the store was selling, motioned at it like Vanna White, and said, “Colleen, look at this!”  I walked up to the mirror, posed, and said, “I do look fantastic, don’t I?”

My sister cracked up.  Then I had to tell her that a friend of mine actually gave me a full-length mirror about a month ago.  I look at myself all of the time.  It’s nice to know what I look like in my clothes.  The worst part is, I had to hang it on my closet door, so I can see myself while I’m in bed.  I’m not sure I need to see what I look like first thing in the am, but I do love having the mirror.

It occurs to me that I have not updated the blog with a current picture of myself in a while.  Well, I promise to get a new pic up within the next couple of days.  I’m not actually at home right now, so I cannot get a pic of myself in front of said mirror.  Maybe tomorrow I will take one just before I leave for work.

Well, that’s all of the news that I have for now.  Enjoy this beautiful Sunday!

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The Return Of Spring!

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Finally!  Spring has really arrived in DC.  I returned from Dallas to a nice balmy 79 degrees at 1:30 a.m.  Today’s high will be 81.  It might get a little bit chillier over the weekend, but all next week is 80s as far as the eye can see!  At last!  Granted, it may rain every day, but at least I will not be freezing.  I’m so tired of being cold.

I will be glad to put away the sweaters and scarves for the winter.  In fact, I may get rid of most of them altogether as I will need all new ones by the fall.  I love getting rid of old clothes.  Spring is a good time to do some closet purging, right?

I used to be a bit of a pack rat.  I have kept a lot of the clothes I have acquired over the last 15 or so years.  I was kind of glad that I did because it meant that I could have some clothes to wear as I lost weight.  But now that I have shrunk out of almost all of them, it’s time to let them all go.  I am hoping to get some of them to a used clothing store called Unique this weekend.  If not this weekend, definitely next.  I have a friend coming into town for Memorial Day and he can help me unload some of the stuff jamming up my closet.

Apart from that, I need to get my place ready for my out-of-town guest.  I am not sure what we are going to do other than reorganize my closet, but I know we will be out and about.  There will have to be at least one visit with my niece.  Probably at least one visit to the DC Mall or something.  And dinner with a friend of ours from college.  Maybe we will actually make it to see Rolling Thunder. 

I’m just glad the weather is finally getting better.  Bring on the shorts!

Wagon? What Wagon?

So, reading my blog might leave one feeling that for the most part, I am having a pretty easy time dealing with life after weight loss surgery.  For the most part, I’d say that is pretty true.  You wouldn’t know it from this weekend, however.

Somehow, I have managed to get myself upset over a situation that I created.  It is all in my head.  I know this, but still, I have allowed it to control my moods.  With a couple of exceptions, I pretty much moped around all weekend.  In the past when I would get like this, I would over eat.  I have not really been able to over eat since the surgery since my stomach is so small.  I have manged to get my diet up to about 1200 calories per day.  This means that my stomach pouch is a little bit bigger than it was shortly after the surgery.  This is as it should be and I am right where the doctor wants me to be.  That also means I can eat a little bit more.

Since the surgery, I have for the most part, been able to manage my stress level and keep my emotions in check.  I have been much better about dealing with life.  Friends have commented on the changes they see in me.  They say I am more confident, I speak with more authority, and I carry myself differently.  But for some reason, this weekend, I allowed something that has been bugging me to really get me down.  That and some poor meal planning really left me struggling last night.

I have a hard time when my meal schedule gets thrown off track.  Most of the time when it is time for me to eat, I do not actually feel hungry, or more to the point, my stomach doesn’t feel hungry.  I just start feeling the effects of not having eaten enough.  I get light-headed and cranky and eventually, my stomach starts to hurt.  This usually means it has been probably six hours since I have eaten something and I have missed my protein snack.  Bad Colleen.

I had been out yesterday and had not eaten for quite a while.  I stopped at the grocery store because I knew I did not have anything that I could just eat right away.  I was going to have to cook, which would mean another 30 minutes or more.  I could not wait that long.  I bought some food for the week and I bought a rotisserie chicken.  This was the beginning of my downfall.

Pre-surgery, rotisserie chicken was one of my trigger foods.  You can also include chips, pretzels, pizza, pretty much anything that was salty, crunchy, or savory would do the trick.  And I didn’t just eat a little bit of it.  I could eat almost an entire rotisserie chicken in one go.  Same thing with chips.  All or nothing.  The bigger the bag, the better.  Pizza, pretty much the whole pie. 

For anyone not familiar with the terminology, this is called bingeing.  Want to know what a binger looks like?  Look it up in the dictionary and you will see a picture of me.  Anyone who has suffered from bulimia is also familiar with bingeing, the difference is they follow it with some kind of “purge”.  Purging can take many forms, vomiting, exercise, or laxatives are a few.  I didn’t purge afterwards, unless you include tears of guilt.

The drive to binge is overwhelming and uncontrollable.  Sometimes the binge starts out as hunger, just a meal.  I tell myself I will buy the chicken and just have a little bit, combine it with a potato or rice and some veggies, bam – dinner.  What really happens after I have the chicken home is something else entirely. 

This is what happened to me last night.  I was hungry.  I was stressing out over my own self-created mellow-drama.  I bought a rotisserie chicken. 

Now, in my defense, I have bought rotisserie chickens since the surgery and had just a drumstick and some vegetables, put the rest in the refrigerator and was fine.  That is not what happened last night, however.  And it is really no excuse.

I put together my dinner, which was a piece of chicken and some fruit, and I sat down to eat in front of my computer.  I knew I was having a hard time dealing with my emotions, so I decided to write about them.  I started a word document and just started writing down everything that I was feeling.  What I was not paying attention to was my eating.  I just kept right on eating.  I ate until my stomach started to really hurt.  It hurt so much that I thought I was going to vomit.  Fortunately, I did not.

I had two drumsticks and was working on a wing.  I had also started to pick at the larger pieces of chicken.  I was sitting on the edge of my bed in pain and ready to cry.  I felt like I had really slipped up and felt guilty.  I could not believe I had done that.  I knew it was a mistake when I bought the chicken.  I could feel it.  But I thought that I had all of that under control.  Clearly, I do not.

I did not save the rest of the chicken.  I threw it into the trash can and then bagged up the trash, took it down the hall, and threw it into the garbage chute in my building.  I then went back into my apartment and put my shoes on, grabbed my sweater, and took a good long walk.  I had to leave the scene of the crime. 

I took a book with me.  I walked around my neighborhood for a very long time.  I thought about everything that had just happened.  I thought through my problem.  I analyzed why I had allow myself to fall down that pit again.  Then I stopped at the coffee shop and had a good hot cup of tea while I drowned my sorrows in the fantasy of a novel for a while.

When I finally returned home, I deleted the word document and cleaned up my mess.  I did not really come up with any good solution to my problem.  And there may not really be one other than to just let things be for a while. 

There are some things in life I just cannot control and I need to accept that.  What I can do is take charge of the things that I can control.  I can control what I eat, the food I buy, and whether or not I allow this one incident to completely throw me off track.

I have had small mishaps since the surgery, accidentally having too much sugar, eating a little bit too fast, eating protein bars that made me a little sick, etc.  I have paid the price for those mistakes, and I have learned how to handle them. 

This was the first time I have really fallen completely off the wagon since October.  I thought that I was beyond all of this, but I guess not.  I learned something about myself last night and it was not pretty.

Clearing Away Old Ghosts

Part of what I have been doing over the past year, in addition to preparing for my weight loss surgery and dealing with the aftermath of said surgery, has been trying to deal with things that I have ignored for a long time.  I have taken care of a lot of financial problems that I had.  I gave up video gaming.  I started taking care of my overall health, which I have had trouble dealing with for years.  So many things.

Before my surgery, I cleaned out my big walk in closet.  Cleaned out all of the remaining boxes I had not unpacked except for one that I cleaned out after the surgery.  I reorganized the closet, bought more hangers, hung up all of my clothes that I didn’t have room for, threw away or gave away a lot of clothes.

In the same spirit of purging and reorganizing, I cleaned out my hall closet yesterday.  Anytime I would order anything online, or if my mom sent me a box of supplies, or if I bought something that came in a box like my new coffee maker, I threw the box into the hall closet.  I’ve wanted to clean this closet out for a long time and clear out these boxes.  So, I did this yesterday.

Most of the boxes, I flattened and took out to the trash room in my building.  Some of the boxes, I discovered were filled with old bills, books, and other things I just did not know what to do with.  I created a bag of stuff to shred.  I then ordered a new shredder online.  My old one broke, you see.  I put the books on my bookshelves.  The other stuff, I sorted through.  I chucked a bunch of stuff and threw it into the trash.  I did keep a couple of useful items, which I then put away.

I feel so organized.

I have two more cleaning projects on my list.  One, I need to clean out the cabinet in my kitchen that holds all of my plastic containers.  Currently, my cupboard looks like the “before” picture in one of those commercials for better products which has the ancillary benefit of keeping you more organized.  When I put another plastic container in there now, I open it and quickly toss the container in and shut it immediately to keep anything else from pouring out of it and onto the floor.  God forbid I actually have to take one out.  I’m so ashamed.

The second project is cleaning out from under my bathroom sink.  I cannot find anything under there.  I know I have soap, lotions, shampoos, vitamins, etc, but your guess is as good as mine as to how I find these items.

I’ll probably throw a lot of stuff away in both cases.  Although, I am kind of a fanatic when it comes to recycling, so I will probably put most of the plastic stuff into the recycle bin, whether it’s recyclable or not.  In either case, the organization and purging must occur.

Organizing my life is not nearly as much fun as binge eating an entire bag of Cheetos or Doritos or fantasizing about pizza, but I feel so much better afterwards.

 

Let the Purging Begin…

Slowly I open the closet door, trash bags firmly clenched in my fists.  I turn on the light and let out a shriek of horror as I realize the amount of work I have in front of me…

Yes, that’s right, time to clean out my closet.  I have a lot of clothes.  As I put on weight over the years, I bought bigger and bigger clothes.  I also held onto my “skinny” clothes just in case.   Of course, I was already pretty big, so “skinny” is relative.  Nonetheless, I have a ton of clothes starting at my current size of 28/30 down to a size 14.

Now that I am going to have the gastric by-pass surgery, I am glad that I never threw anything away.  I will be needing these clothes over the next few months. 

So, why am I cleaning out my closets now?  Well, partly because after the surgery, I will not be able to do any lifting for quite a while while my stomach heals.  But I also because I want to have my clothes organized for after the surgery. 

I will be at my sister’s for the first month after the surgery.  I will take some smaller clothes with me, but I want the rest to be ready for when I return home.

I know my sister’s will be glad I’m cleaning out my closets.  They are both purgers.  They throw out stuff they no longer use regularly.  I hold onto everything. 

A few months ago when I was sick, my sister Sandy came over to check on me. She helped me hang up some clothes that I had washed.  From my closet I hear her say loudly, “Oh my God!”

“What?” I asked her

She comes out of the closet holding an old tye-dyed t-shirt that I had on a hanger.  She waves it in front of me and repeats, “Oh my God!”

“What? It’s a tye-dyed t-shirt!  You know I love those.”

“Well, let’s start with it’s MINE!” she responded, “And it’s from 1985! Look at it. It’s falling apart.  Throw it away!”

In truth, the t-shirt was not quite that old, maybe from the mid 90s, but I think it illustrates well that I do not like to throw out clothes.

So, here’s the plan.  I am going to start by throwing clothes that have holes or are stained.  Then I will move on to clothes that I simply do not like.  If they are in good shape, I will put them in a bag for Goodwill.  If not, I will pitch them.  Then I will put the clothes in order by size.  As I lose weight, I will either pitch or donate the clothes that I shrink out of.  When I reach the clothes in size 14-16, I will start making plans to buy some new clothes.  I have a long way to go before that happens, but at least by then I will have the space for new clothes.

Today’s cat belongs to one of my co-workers.  After her cat died, she and her husband adopted a new kitten.  This is Mia.  I think she’s two months old, but I could be wrong.  She is the cutest little black kitten and from what I hear, she rules the roost. 

She apparently, came into the house, sat in that chair and the chair has been her throne ever since.  She fetches and plays and drives their other cat nuts.  From what I hear, he is unimpressed by her cuteness and enthusiastic playfullness. 

I think she’s adorable!