Tag Archives: writing

Strange And Fun Day

Yesterday was kind of an odd day.  I took the day off of work so that I could get caught up on cleaning, etc.  I woke up with a migraine instead.  I haven’t actually had a migraine in years.  I took my blood pressure to make sure that it was not elevated.  Then I put my glasses on and I realized that my face hurt and I could not breathe.  Allergies.  I took some allergy meds and slept off on and pretty much most of the day.

Then, I got up at 4:00 pm, took a bath, dried my hair, put on a somewhat cute outfit, and went out.  I had to finish reading an article for my Wednesday night writer’s group and I was meeting a fellow writer to talk about a project we are working on.  (More on that another time.)

I started feeling better almost immediately, partly due to the large amount of allergy medicine I had taken earlier in the day and partly because of the rather large steaming cup of cappuccino I drank.  I met with my friend and we had a productive meeting, and then we went to the writer’s group and that was pretty great too.

After writer’s group, we went to Busboys & Poets restaurant and hung out for a good long time.  We had so much fun.  There was lots of laughter and fun, as well as some drinking.  One of our members is moving to Europe for a couple of years.  She got a new job there and has signed a contract for two years.  We will all miss her, but this is a great opportunity for her.

Everything was right in my neighborhood so I could walk everywhere.  I think that’s pretty darn awesome.  I love being able to walk everywhere now.  When you lose the ability to move around easily and then get that ability back, you really appreciate having the ability to walk and not rely on cars/other people to get around.  It also makes you appreciate the people you have in your life who put up with you when you were unable to walk well.  I have the greatest friends.  I really do.  They all celebrate my return to health and cheer me on all of the time.

I also offered a ride home to a friend of mine who lives just across the highway from me.  Since I had walked to all of the events, we had to walk up the giant hill to my apartment building to get my car.  Now, if you all remember, in December, I bought a Smart Car.  Downside to the Smart Car, it only holds two people.  Kind of like a sporty European car, but somewhat less cool.

Our friend Jim walked up the hill with us and was just going to walk back down the hill to his car.  Well, my other friend Sush, wouldn’t hear of it.  She insisted that we drive him back down to his car.  So, Sush climbed into the “hatch” part of the Smart Car and Jim sat in the only other seat in the car that was not mine.  I have to admit, I was kind of terrified for Sush.  Fortunately, the garage where he was parked was not that far away, but it was a hilarious ride.  Everything worked out just fine, thank goodness!

I had such a great time last night.  I’m glad I made it out of the house and hung out with my friends, even if my apartment is still a mess!  Oh well, that’s what weekends are for.  Happy Friday-Eve!

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What Do You Want To Know?

Lately, I have not been blogging quite as much.  I was on quite a tear there for a while blogging every day or nearly every day.  I seem to have run out of ideas lately.  My weight loss has slowed down.  I have been walking a lot more, exercising a little bit.  And in many ways, my life has become much busier recently.  And I seem to have run out of ideas to keep the daily posts going.  I fear that I am repeating myself a lot.  Still, I feel guilty about not blogging every day.  I feel that I should at least say something, because after all, the struggle to lose weight and make healthy choices continues every day even after weight loss surgery and losing a huge amount of weight.

I know that I have lost a lot of weight, I have purged my closet of big clothes several times.  I have bought some new outfits.  I even bought some used clothes.  And I inherited a large number of t-shirts, etc from my sister.  Even after all of this, I am still not done losing.  To reach my goal, I have 63 pounds to go.  If I never reach that goal, I’m OK.  I have achieved a lot thus far and I am happy with what I have achieved.

I can walk.  I can breathe.  I can walk and breathe at the same time.  I have a lot more energy.  My blood pressure is controlled without meds.  I no longer use the c-pap machine.  My cholesterol is under control, and my triglycerides are normal.  That last one makes me very happy because heart disease runs in my family.

I love the blog and I do not see an end to it, but I guess I need to find some more topics to cover.  I have written about a lot of different subjects.  I have tried to be as truthful as possible about my experience with gastric by-pass surgery, the good and the bad.  I have described the surgery, the recovery, what it is like to be fat, what it is like to feel invisible, what it’s like to no longer feel invisible, all kinds of subjects.

So, I am going to turn this blog around a bit and I hope this experiment works.  I want to hear from you guys, my readers.  I know most of you are friends and family and I have talked to you guys endlessly about the surgery.  But I also have a couple of readers I do not know personally.  In either case, I am looking for questions from all of you.

Tell me what you want to know.  Is there a subject that I haven’t covered that you want to know about?  Do you have a question about weight loss surgery that I have not answered?  Are there things in my life that have changed that I have not shared with the blogosphere that you want to know about?  Ask away.  I will use your questions as new subject matter for me to explore and write about.

I will answer any serious question about weight loss surgery or changes in my life as honestly as I can no matter how personal.  I know that opens up a can of worms for people to ask all kinds of ridiculous things, but I trust my readers.  If I come across questions I feel I cannot or will not answer, I will address that as needed.  I also reserve the right to mock people who ask questions that are intended to insult fat people, women, me, or otherwise corrupt what I am trying to do with this experiment.

So, tell me…what is it you want to know?

Momentous Occasion

To say my weight loss has slowed down to a crawl would be a huge understatement.  I have been bummed because I gained three pounds while in Texas and it has taken forever for me to lose anything at all.  I have hit plateaus in my weight loss before, but this one seems to be the only plateau that has brought me down.  Mainly because this plateau has lasted almost a month.

That aside, I have good news today!

I lost the three pounds that I gained while in Texas.  Furthermore, I have lost two additional pounds on top of that.  I am down to 188.  This brings my total weight lost to 110 pounds!

Whatever else is going on in my life, this is good news!

I celebrated this week by getting a mani-pedi and a hair cut.  I took a day off of work.  I had lunch with a friend who I have not seen in what feels like forever.  I met another friend for coffee and reviewed a portion of a book he’s writing.  I just had a pretty good week and losing a total of 110 pounds is a great way to cap it off.

This weekend promises to be fun as well.  I am having some friends over for breakfast on Sunday.  Tomorrow I am supposed to be doing a “girls night” with my sister and my sister-in-law and possibly my niece.  Originally, the niece was not included, but she heard us talking about it and started crying because she wants to go to girls night too.  For girls night, we plan on getting all dressed up in our nicest clothes and go out somewhere.  I have a pretty dress for which I have no purpose other than I wanted it.  And the “buy the cocktail dress…the party will come” theory is not working, so I need to make my own plans.  I want to wear it somewhere before I shrink out of it.  The dress is a size 16.  I am already wearing a 14 in jeans, but still a 16 in shirts and dresses.  So, I have the dress, the shoes, the mani-pedi, and haircut…time to party!

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feet

We thought about doing high tea, which is generally at 4pm.  It could be fun if we find a place that has hats and gloves that we can use.  I went to a place like that once for tea and it was fun.  The five-year old would really enjoy something like that I think.  Most likely, we will just do dinner.  It’s hard to find a tea house that does gluten-free, egg and milk free sandwiches and treats.

It will probably be a pretty tame girls night out.  None of us are huge drinkers.  I cannot drink at all and my sister-in-law never really did drink.  My sister is pretty light-weight and it only takes her one or two glasses of wine to knock her on her butt.  Plus, we might have the kid with us.  We all adore my niece and relish having her around, so I don’t see her presence as a barrier to fun, but Mommy may want a night off.

We’ll see how it goes.  But in either case, I am glad that I am where I am with my weight loss.  I am hoping to kick up the weight loss for the summer by joining a gym.  I have not yet, but I hope to this weekend. I need to really start focusing on toning and strengthening.  I have been walking a lot, which is good.  But it’s time to kick it up a level.

Have a great weekend!

What? I Am Not The Center Of The Universe?

OK, maybe I’m the center of the Colleeniverse, and blogging about myself everyday certainly reaffirms that notion.  But I have conceded that I am not really the center of the rest of the universe. 

There are two events taking place today that have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me, yet both are consuming every thought in my head and every ounce of my focus.  One is of a celebratory nature, the other more solemn. 

My niece, who is the actual center of the universe, is graduating from pre-K today and despite her request that I attend, I cannot be there to help her celebrate.  If I could choose to be anywhere today, it would be with her.  I will see her this weekend, and shower her with love, kisses, and presents, as aunties are wont to do, but I really wish I could be there today to cheer her on. 

The second, more solemn event…a good friend and fellow writer is having surgery.  He has been suffering from a horrible illness and today will determine if his treatment has been successful.  I hope that has been.

So, instead of thinking of me, my general health, my weight loss progress, my mental health, and all the petty problems that plague my life, I am asking that everyone cheer for my niece and send good wishes to my friend. 

Better yet, show your good wishes and buy one of his books or his music.

Writing About People, Places, & Things – Book

The Girl, The Drugs, & The Man Who Could Not Drink – Book

Cash & Carry – Music (also available on iTunes)

Eating On The Road

Eating when away on a business trip is crazy.  It has been years since I have had to do this.  I had forgotten just what a difficult experience it could be for someone who is trying to eat healthier.

First, I stressed out about the flight and airport/airline food and water, not to mention my potential lack of protein/vitamin supplements. That actually ended up being OK.  I was able to take vitamins and protein bars through security and onto the plane.  I also had a few supplemental protein bars and my standard vitamin supply packed in my checked bag for my stay in Dallas.  I was able to get a bottle of water and lunch just near my gate.  I arrived at the airport with plenty of time to spare so that I could have lunch before my flight boarded.

As an aside, I just have to insert here what a joy it was to fit in the airline seat like a normal person and not need a buckle extender.  I was even able to cross my legs.  Of course, I’m 5’1″ and I have short lets, so I’m sure that helped.  I also managed to scam a seat in the third row of coach due to my upgraded “gold” status.  I have to somehow manage to get that every year because it made the whole airline experience much more pleasant.

Once I arrived at the hotel, the whole diet thing fell apart.  I got some chicken wings at the hotel restaurant.  They were the best wings I have had in a very long times, and I’ve had wings a couple of times since the surgery.  They give you ten of them, I could only eat 4 1/2 with the celery and carrots.  And the sauce that came on the side was phenomenal.  I ordered the sweet and spicy Thai wings, but I think they just brought me the regular buffalo, which was fine by me because they was scrumptious.

Then there was the breakfast buffet.  I did OK at first, I had a tiny bit of scrambled eggs with some spicy salsa on them and mixed fruit.  Then I had two pieces of bacon.  OMG!  What was I thinking!  Well, I came to my senses by lunch and got a small salad with cranberries, blue cheese, and chicken.  Then a side of cheese for my protein snack in the afternoon.

The sales rep took us out to dinner to this very nice Italian restaurant.  Of course I cannot have pasta, so I ordered the artichoke encrusted steak medallions with roasted vegetables and mashed potatoes.  I can’t have the mashed potatoes either.  I mean, I guess I could have a little bit of them now, but because they are starchy, they have been on the restricted list.  I ate most of the vegetables and one of the steak medallions.  They were 1 1/2 or maybe 2 inches around, but man they just seemed huge to me.  Then the server packed them up for me to take back to the hotel, but really, I’m not sure what I am going to do with them.  (yes, I have a refrigerator in the room)  I’m not sure I want to have red meat two days in a row.  That might be a bit much.  Plus, I’m going out to dinner tomorrow with a writer’s group friend who recently moved back to Texas for some Tex-Mex food.

Don’t even get me started on all of the decaf cappuccinos I’ve had today.  Well, OK one of them had caffeine!

I had to hit the exercise room after dinner tonight.  I rode the bike for 30 minutes and did another 5 minutes of cool down.

I am just not used to eating out this much.  OK, maybe once or twice a week I will got to the buffet place near my office for lunch.  But still, I usually get salmon and vegetables or the chicken with broccoli.  I stick to the plan, though.  Low fat foods.  Protein and veggies.  After my emotional binge eating last week, I have been very strict with myself about the food I eat.  The last thing I want to do after everything I have been through since October is go back to where I was before the surgery.

I have to do better tomorrow.  I sure will be glad to go home!

WTF? Randomness

So, this is me today…

http://www.queenofwands.net/d/20050408.html

I guess you could say that I am a bit cranky.  It started off as a good day, so I’m not quite sure how I got here.  Well, no that’s not exactly true.  I kind of do.

I was up at about 7am and had breakfast, which consisted of a bit of leftover chicken saag from the Indian restaurant I went to the night before.  I was basically full after about four bites.  I turned the news on and then immediately fell back asleep.

Then I had the strangest dream about the house where I grew up.  My mother sold the house oh about 27 years ago, but it still lives large in my memory I guess.  We lived there from the time I was in first grade until after I graduated high school.  When my mom remarried, we moved and sold the house.

In my dream, my brother and sisters and I went through all of the empty rooms finding memories and keepsakes from our childhood.  It was almost as if we were saying goodbye to the house for the last time.  I awoke with the strangest feelings; a little bit of sadness; a little bit of relief; a sense of release and freedom.  It was a little bit unsettling.

I’m not sure what precipitated that dream.  Maybe it had something to do with the workshop I gave this week where I discussed how I use my real life events and create fictional stories out of them.  During the workshop, I discussed one of my stories and the true story on which it was based.  I also mentioned that I wrote a personal essay about the true story.  Someone asked me which helped explore my feelings about the incident, the fictional piece or the essay.  After thinking about it for a few seconds, I said that I found the personal essay to be a better vehicle for exploring my feelings because I could really tell the truth about the incident for the first time.  I felt a stronger sense of catharsis after writing the essay than the short story.  Of course, I wrote the story about 6 years ago and I wrote the essay about a month ago, so the feelings I explored in the essay are more immediate.  In truth, after writing the essay, I really felt as if I could let go of the incident for probably the first time in my life.

What is this incident you ask?  Well, when I was in high school, there was a boy who was in my circle of friends that I had a crush on.  Before I could really have a chance to find out if he felt the same or go through the normal teenage process of having a crush and getting over it when you find out that he does not feel the same, he died.  He was riding his bike and made an illegal turn the wrong way down a one way street and was hit by an oncoming van.

I can honestly say that I never really got over that.  While it has been many, many years since I actively thought about him every day, I know that the incident has affected me my entire life.  Somehow, writing all of my feelings down and sharing the essay with others seemed to lift this invisible cloud I have been living under.  I suddenly feel open to life and the possibilities that it holds.  I have not felt way in a very long time.

My friends have commented on the change in me too.  I know that losing 97 pounds has a lot to do with that change.  They know that I am writing more, walking more, getting out into the world, etc.  A friend of mine told me recently that it’s as if the extra weight was pushing me down, keeping me from living my life.  She talked about how I am much more confident and happy.

Also during the workshop, I share an embarrassing amount of personal information about myself.  I have felt a little bit self-conscious about that, I have to admit.  It could not be helped.  When one is discussing how they use their personal life to create fiction, one ends up talking about their personal life.  I talked about the bullying that I went through as a child in school.  I talked about the death of my friend.  I talked about changing schools.  I talked other childhood friends I have had.  So, I guess it’s not such a stretch that I would dream about my old house and about saying goodbye to old ghosts.

Now back to the link above and the strangeness of today…

I guess I have been sorting out all of these feelings all morning.  First, I realized that I left my iPhone charger at work.  So, I had to go out and get a new chord for the i5 because all of my i3 phone cords do not fit the i5.  Irritating.  I went to Target to see if they had any cords.  They claim to sell accessories for the i5.  Well, I should say that I went there against my better judgement.  I should have known better after their insult to fat people incident.  I had vowed never to shop there again after the manatee gray dress event.  I already hate their selection of plus sized clothes, did they really need to add further insult to injury?  Well, I should have stuck with my initial instinct, which was not to shop at Target for anything.

I walked over to the electronics section, where all of the sales people were all playing with a scaffold staircase thingy that moves up and down to allow them to reach stuff on higher shelves.  So, ten people standing around goofing off and not one of them came over to help me.   Finally, someone did.

When I asked him about cords for the i5, he proceeded to lecture me about being sure that I use only Apple products.  He then further explained how the i5 has a magnetic connection and why it is important to use their products on the phone.

Don’t care.  Not what I was asking.  I only wanted to know, did they have an Apple i5 cord to sell me.  I tried to interrupt him several times to find this out, but he was on a mission apparently.  Finally, I just talked over him, and said, “Fine! Fine! Do you have one?”  At which point he just laughed and said, “No, we’ve been sold out for weeks.”

Seriously?  Was the diatribe necessary?  Couldn’t he have just told me that upfront?  I was never asking about any other type of cord.  I really hate it when I ask for something, and the idiot guy working in the store feels he needs to explain to the stupid woman why she does not want what she came in for.  I was really irritated after that.  I was hoping to avoid going to the Apple store.  I did not want to go there.  The store is in Clarendon.  The traffic sucks and I usually have to pay for parking.  It’s a mess.  But, I did it.  I have my cord and can charge my phone.

In truth, I was probably still feeling the effects of my dream and the strange feelings I had when I got up this am.  But, now I have had some coffee, had my protein snack, and I am at my new favorite cafe writing.  I am already starting to feel better.

I survived!

No, I did not have to be rushed to the hospital for anxiety because I had a public speaking gig on Wednesday.  I survived it and it actually went pretty well.  I did nervously race through all of my remarks in about 20 minutes, which was kind of hilarious.  The leader of the writing group did notice that too.  He just smiled at me and he and another writer actually helped me out by starting a very detailed and lively discussion about my writing “process.”  Everyone asked me a lot of questions as if I am some kind of expert.  Ha! I was actually very comfortable with answering questions, so that went very well. 

The workshop was called From Real Life to Fiction.  I have taken a lot of my own real life events and then fictionalized them, often creating completely different stories.  Some have been pretty good and others not so much.  One story actually received honorable mention in a contest, so I guess that’s something. 

But enough about writing…onto weight loss.

I am down to 201.  That’s a total of 97 pounds.  I am surprised that I lost anything at all this week, I have been very bad food-wise.  One day I actually ate quite a lot, which is not good.  I have also had trouble keeping myself on a normal eating schedule.  I’ve just been so busy.  Plus I have been feeling very bloated.  But on the flip side, the chronic constipation has abated.  Keeping my fingers crossed that I can keep that at bay. 

I am kind of excited about the 201 mark.  In just 2 pounds, I will be in territory I have not seen in more than 20 years…below the 200 mark!  It’s kind of a big deal.  Ok, let me be honest here…it’s more than kind of a big deal…it’s a ginormous deal!  I am also freaking out just a little bit, too.  Dropping below the 200 pound mark somehow makes it all seem like this is all really going to happen.  I am really finally going to be thin, whatever that means.  I have not been “thin” since my early 20s. 

It’s weird, because I never thought of myself as thin when I was younger.  In high school, I weighed about 125-128-ish.  College, my weight went up to about 130-140-ish.  At 140, I may have been a little bit chubby, but I certainly was not fat.  I certainly thought I was, however. 

Self image is a strange thing.  I guess sometimes it is easier to believe the negative stuff.  I know I did for a long time.  I am trying to change that, though.  I still struggle with it, but I try to keep telling myself over and over again all of the things that I want to be as if they are true.  I am thin.  I am beautiful.  I am healthy.  I am smart.  I am a good writer.  I am successful.  I am loveable.  I am confident.

I don’t always feel these things, but I try.  Maybe if I keep telling myself this, I will truly begin to believe them.  Maybe if I keep it up long enough, they will all one day be true.

Enjoy some cherry blossoms.  It rained today, so they are all most likely gone already. 

Cherry Blossoms